when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he was CRYING into my vagina
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
