Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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