I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
