Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
