I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
