just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
