I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
