I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
