I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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