What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
