Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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