went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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