I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
