why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
