dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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