Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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