HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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