M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
