Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
my liver is dry heaving
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
