Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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