WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
