it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
