and you said cock pushups were impossible
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
tell me about the eggs
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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