he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
