Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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