oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
