you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
