so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
