guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
