No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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