Plan B is the new Plan A
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
