Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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