Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
