Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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