If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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