i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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