Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
