wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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