Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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