Your tits are I can't wait for
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
