i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
