I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
