i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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