Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
