I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
