If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
