The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
