wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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