Farmville is her only friend.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
