This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Randomize
